• Krystal Ford

Booze Clues: Week 1, "Lorena" on Amazon Prime

Updated: Aug 19, 2020

Lorena Bobbitt. The perfect true crime story to kick off my weekly Booze Clues, where each Thursday night I'll watch a true crime episode along with an at-home wine tasting. Although I'm not on the FBI payroll or a sommelier, I do love me some crazy crime shows (my bf thinks Snapped is just teaching me how to do away with him one day), & a glass of mama juice when baby goes to bed.

My childhood bestie came over for week one of Booze Clues, brownies and cheese in hand, and we poured some vino into some glasses (she actually IS a sommelier, so when we started tasting the wine she knew all about which flavor hit first and whatnot, whereas I'm like yes, this is a good glass of mama juice, now here it goes down into my belly).

I actually ordered the wines for our tasting on the Drizly app (um, alcohol delivered to your door, need I say more? Perfect for Quarantine and staying socially distant but still being able to get your booze.

The first wine we drank, I mean professionally tasted, was a Chardonnay, which I used to not like white wines at all until I realized I just don't like SWEET wines, so a nice dry Chard on a summer evening can really

hit the spot. This one was a La Crema Sonoma Coast Chardonnay, and it was a perfect pair for our charcuterie and frozen pizza. BTW, one bottle between two basic gals is never enough to split, so of course we had to taste a red too. This one was my favorite for the night, a Noble Vines 337 Cab. The design on the bottle is what usually gets me to pick a wine, and I thought this one had sort of a mysterious look to it, like Lorena Bobbitt. She had dark hair (she's blonde now, I'd probably want to change my look too after everything she went through), and she looked like this sweet little innocent thing on the outside, but you knew there was more to her story. This wine was kind of like that, after one glass, you knew you could have another. It also paired well with the yummy chocolate brownies.

So let's jump into it. "Lorena". The true story of Lorena Bobbitt on Amazon Prime is a four-part docuseries directed by Jordan Peele, and if you haven't heard of her, Lorena is the chick who cut off her husband's um, well, his penis okay she CUT off his penis. Cut it right off, with a knife, that later proved to be bigger than the um, well, dismembered body part (yeah...if you don't like graphic photos of a man's severed teeny weeny, too bad because you're going to get hooked into this story anyway).

What in tarnation could make a woman want to actually turn her husband into a human form of a Ken-doll, one might wonder? Well, turns out, Lorena says she attacked her husband John while he was unconscious in their bed after a night of drinking what I can only describe as a teenage girl's idea of a "shot" (it was like Bailey's, Kahlua, and some other girly mixer basically, ew, John Wayne, ew), because John had been sexually assaulting her for some time. When John awoke, still dazed and confused from his boozy escapades that evening, he realized he was missing his "manhood". But when paramedics and investigators arrived at the scene, they couldn't find itttttttt! That's right, this was a game of "hide the sausage" that no one signed up for (well, except Lorena she kind of got everyone into this). Turns out, they ended up finding the lone sausage in a field, and a bunch of grown men that found it didn't even want to pick it up (I actually think one of them stepped on it. Yikes, that had to hurt, oh wait...).

So long story short John Wayne gets his wang put back on by this young surgeon fellow who looks like he just graduated high school, but whatever he fixed it so John doesn't have to sit when he pees.

John ends up on some of those 90's daytime talk shows we all are guilty of watching after school when we were all probably too young to know what was going on. John was kind of a handsome guy in his day, a Marine, and seemed to be a stand-up dude. So why was his wife accusing him of inter marital rape? They go to trial for Lorena's accusations, and when questioned, she says that her husband always had an orgasm and never let her have one. Ummm...she just described what I can only assume to be the biggest complaint from women in their sex lives ever. But that doesn't mean we are all running around chopping willies and throwing them into fields. Just sayin.

I'll be tuning in next week for episode 2 to find out what happens when it's Lorena's turn to be on trial for slicing the pepperoni.

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